Admin EditLiteracy - Story Editing
Due in Friday 11th March
This is Mr Ben's first draft of his rainforest story and he needs help to edit it. It's good but he was in a a rush, and anyway all good writing needs editing! Can you help him?
The paragraphs in italics need punctuating properly.
These two sentences are boring. I was sad. I was hot.
They needed developing creatively. Show don't tell!
Feel free to highlight and comment on any effective sentences or phrases also (tickle pink).
Would you add any extra detail to the story? I have left some pretty big gaps, but as I challenged myself to write in a creative and descriptive way I am not too worried about the gaps in the plot. Print out the story, annotate it, stick it in your red books and add any comments on the next page.
Optional Extension
Collect a collection of new 'wow' words or phrases that you can use in your writing.
Lost In the Rainforest
Bliss. I lay back in my seat 30,000 feet above the Amazon rainforest on my way to a dream holiday on Coco cabana beach Rio de Janerio because it’s been a hard year’s work I thought to myself as I drifted off to sleep. I deserve this.
I was woken up with a start. It was the captain coming over the intercom.
I regret to inform you that a passenger has been taken ill and we have to attempt an emergency landing at Manaus airport so that we can seek emergency medical assistance he announced confidently. There was no fear in his voice there should have been
The cabin crew bustled around making sure everyone was in their seat and buckled up seat belts and I looked out of the window and the ominous expanse of the tropical rainforest was getting closer as we descended quickly despite no runway being in sight. It was as if an immense green monster was just waiting to welcome us into its lair and as the wing hit the top of the canopy I blacked out ............
I found myself alone in the rainforest. I sat down by the bank of a little stream and contemplated my pitiful fate. It’s either a slow death by starvation or a violent one at the hands of a jungle predator. I was sad. I was hot. I heard a rustling though the leaves. The noise came closer. What should I do? Run, or stay and face my fate like a man. After a few moments a boy poked his head out of the understory. He had a bow and arrow. Oh, I hadn’t thought of that option! Death by poisoned arrow from a child of the rainforest! That would make headlines back in London.
The boy smiled at me and put his hands together in what looked like a greeting. He beckoned me towards him and then gently helped me into his canoe. He started to paddle skilfully down the stream. As I sat in the canoe I was able to take in the beauty of the scene around me. The forest was dark, with the sunlight piercing only a few gaps in the tree canopy above. The rays hit the forest floor like beams from the heavens. The flowers on the bank of the stream were a riot of colour: oranges, purples and reds mixing together like painter’s palette. A cacophony of bird song swirled around my head as I took in the majestic surroundings.
After a short journey we passed a clearing. There were round huts arranged around central area where a group of village elders sat. They were having a loud discussion about something. They were waving their arms around and clearly whatever they were talking about was igniting the passion of the village. One of the elders drew me aside and whispered in my ear,
“It is a bad day for the village. We have been offered money by the government to move away so that they can build a dam here to power the cities. Most of the people want to take the money but I know that we will not cope in the concrete jungle of the cities.”
The old man’s comments stuck in my mind as I made my way up the Amazon back home after having been rescued. As I flew back to my home in London I thought about the beauty of the rainforest and how we should do our best to protect it. As soon as I got back to my office I resigned my job as head of a logging company. I now wanted to work for the rainforest, not against it.
Did Mr Ben really did this? It's pretty good
Published on Wednesday, March 09, 2011 LikeThere are gaps that could be filled... it would be interesting to do that as an optional extension.
Published on Thursday, March 10, 2011 Like