One morning last half term, I started my day by fishing out a dead carp from the Library pond.
Picture, if you can, a very big dead fish in a very small net attached to a short bamboo pole.
The Year 2 students were fascinated, and some took turns to hold the net and feel the weight of its body. They had many, many questions.
- Is it dead?
- What should we do with it?
- How long before it starts to ‘go off’?
- Why is it so heavy?
- Why are its eyes funny?
Once we began the conversation, the children had some bigger questions. They were curious about how and why the fish had died, and what would happen to it next. Some hadn’t yet grasped that the fish’s death was irreversible.
Talking about a dead fish in one of our ponds felt easy – a natural teaching moment. Talking about our own grief, loss and bereavement is difficult. We often stumble with our choice of words and can struggle to offer and to receive support.
A sense of loss can come in many guises. Bangkok Patana students are highly likely to feel the loss of friends who move away. As adults, we experience the same loss when our own friends and colleagues move elsewhere – leaving an unsettling gap. Families move for many reasons, and the loss is felt both by those who leave, and those they leave behind. Any significant change has the potential to be felt as a loss. This might be a change in your family circumstances or living arrangements, a temporary separation caused by work, or by illness, or the departure of a much-loved carer or nanny.
A death, of course, is the biggest loss of all. The death of a friend, family member or beloved pet can be shattering, whatever our age or previous life experiences. Grief is part of our response to loss and bereavement, and we respond to the hurt in different ways.
Many people aren’t comfortable talking about death and this is reflected in the language we use – and the words we avoid. It is common to hear that someone has ‘passed’ rather than died. When a family pet reaches the end of life, it can be kinder to talk about ‘putting them to sleep’. These gentler words are used for very good reasons, but they can also confuse. Passed where? When will the dog wake up?
It takes time to understanding that death is an inevitable part of our lives. Death means that someone is not coming back and it’s important to use an age-appropriate degree of honesty and clarity. Let your child know when someone they know has died, even if they don’t fully understand what this means. Cultural and religious beliefs may shape what you choose to share within your family. Rituals of mourning, alongside the comfort of sharing memories, can help take some of the anxiety and sadness away.
Talking with children about loss, grief and bereavement is part of our Primary PSHE (Personal, Social, Health Economic) learning, often through the gentle development of discussion. Teaching and learning about things that are living, things that are dead, and things that have never been alive, will come up in other curriculum areas and help to develop and broaden understanding.
It is important to give all our students the opportunity to learn about bereavement and to help them develop the skills and understanding they will need to deal with this particular life event. We already help them to build a varied bank of words to use when talking about their feelings, and to know where and how to seek support if they are experiencing sadness and loss. As they get older, they will learn to identify some ways to manage complex and difficult emotions.
When planning lessons about loss and bereavement, we need to consider the needs of children – and staff – who have experienced the death of a friend or relative. Prior to teaching a lesson which focuses on bereavement, the Year Group Leaders will share some information about the lesson in the newsletter, and you might then want talk with your child’s teacher in advance of the lesson.
For some children, a particular lesson may not be appropriate, even within their familiar and safe learning environment. Others may require additional reassurances and resources, both at home and at school, and we can help support in partnership with the family.
If your child has experienced a significant loss or bereavement, please let the class teacher know. Sharing a loss can be difficult, but we will do our utmost to support your child with kindness and compassion alongside the familiar comfort of school routines.
Stories about grief and loss can help families remember and talk about a relative, friend or pet who has died. We have some marvellous picture books in our Primary library, and our library staff would be glad to assist you. We would also recommend the reading list from the highly recommended childhood bereavement charity www.winstonswish.org/.
http://www.winstonswish.org/suggested-reading-list/
